I AM Depression…

I’m the fog clouding the pathway of your life journey. Sometimes I come even when the sun shines. I’m eerie and heavy. I make it hard for you to see. I cause deep emotional pain. But I’m invisible to others. Only you know I’m here.

My presence is haunting. I get inside your mind and shout ugly things. I scream, “You’re not worth anything. You’re a failure! You’re lazy.” Then, I sliver up to you when you least expect it and tell you the world would be better off without you. I tell you I’ll make the voices stop, if you’ll just make a deal with me.

Then, you cry. I like it when you cry. I like to see what effect I’m having on you. When you wipe your tears I’m still here. You can’t cry me away. I don’t like other people around you, because they tell you to fight me. I convince you—you’re better off alone.

Alone. I’m the only one who controls you. I love polluting your thoughts. It gives me pleasure to watch you fall deeper into my grasp. My ultimate goal is to fill you up with nothingness. You’ll only be a shell of yourself. People will leave you alone. You won’t be fun anymore. But I will be with you. I won’t let go. Please don’t try to fight me.

You start to whisper a prayer. I hate prayers. Prayers are hopeful. Prayers destroy my power.

You take yourself to the doctor and ask for help. I hate the doctor. The doctor will help you.

You get a pill box and start taking medication. I hate medication. It causes my power to fade.

You make yourself fight me, but I’m a tough opponent. I’m not going away easily.

You start reaching out and talking to others. They know my secrets.

You win the battle. But there will be more. I’m always lurking. Waiting to reappear.

I AM depression.

 

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7 thoughts on “I AM Depression…

  1. Wow Amy, what a disturbing and accurate description of depression giving it a life force of its own….when I recovered from my episode I looked at I it that way… I didn’t know the person that was manic nor the person I was depressed… It’s very difficult to come to know who you really are. It’s been three years and altho I am so much better it still is very unsettling when I look back at what happened. I have so much compassion for those who don’t recover but are in and out of it…Thank you for using your gift of writing to describe what we experience…

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment. I really wanted to write to connect with others and show people their not alone in their struggles. So many don’t realize how painful depression is…there’s nothing uplifting about it. I think “disturbing” is a really accurate way of describing this..thanks for your input.

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    1. I’m glad it resonated. I really just want people to understand how serious it is and if you leave it untreated it can have a disastrous outcome. I’ve known three people who have died by suicide in the past month. Depression is something that requires a fight. And sometimes you have to fight for your life.

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