Outside of traditional medicine I have discovered when I could find even a glimmer of hope I could survive for just one more day. For someone who does not live with bipolar depression or depression it may be hard to understand I am not being dramatic when I talk like this.
As I was thinking about the title for this blog it took me back to a time several years ago when I was experiencing months of relentless depression and daily battles with suicidal thoughts. I was already very down when my dog of 18 years died. The grief on top of my long battle with depression made me numb with emotions.
Just when I started to have a breakthrough my other dog died and it set me back into intense emotional pain. Sometimes when I look back at where I have traveled from it is easy to see why my struggles were so long and challenging.
I have a memory of one day in particular when I was crying in my bed. My eyes were swollen with tears, my head ached from crying so long and the suicidal thoughts repeated over and over. I squeezed my eyes closed and opened just a crack. I saw light shining through the blinds. It was not a lot but it was a sign I was looking for. My sliver of light was the hope that things were going to get better and one day I was going to recover.
I have battled depression for years. I know that finding hope in a seemingly hopeless state of mind is very difficult. But I also know that surviving depression boils down to toiling one day at a time.
Each and everyday I find myself depressed I search for something that makes me feel hopeful. I picture the smiles on loved ones faces. I find hope and inspiration in the little things in life like my cat rolling over on my feet.
And my solid rock is my faith. When there is no rainbow I know I am watched over even in the midst of the darkest storm. In this I find gives me hope and a will to survive even the toughest times.
Hope long enough until you can believe that things will get better.